This is one of those days where I’m just lost. I was always thought of the girl that had it all together. I’ve always pretty much had a plan for my life since I was in 5th grade. Even when that plan changed I still knew the exact steps I wanted to take, or knew I needed to take to get where I wanted to go. But today, today I just feel lost. I have a feeling it’s more my perfectionistic nature than an actual crisis happening in my life, but even so my perfectionism in itself is a problem. I got a B, almost a C, on a literature review I worked really hard on. As you can probably tell, I’m more of a creative writer than I am a scientific writer. I’ve been writing, making up stories, poems, etc. since I was in elementary school. It just always came naturally to me, but scientific writing?......it’s like I’m blind trying to find my way in the darkness. I just can’t seem to adjust.
This is where my crisis comes in: I want to be a neuropsychologist who studies the neurological mechanisms behind Eating Disorders. Everything about that dream just screams scientific! So when I think of this large deficit in my repertoire of skills I just cringe and have a mini panic attack. My thoughts begin to spiral. “What if I never get the hang of this? What if I find out something amazing, but I can’t verbalize it in a way the scientific community will respect? What if I fail this class?” Ok, so that last one was a bit of a stretch. I still ended up with an A in the class, but getting a B on anything to me is like the end of the world! The thought of coming in second place has never been something that excited me in the least. It’s like saying you’re good, but you’re not great, and that just never set right with me.
I say that to say DON’T THINK LIKE ME! Don’t try and hold yourself to this unreachable standard. I will admit to you it is INCREDIBLY EXHAUSTING! Even though I know being #1 at everything isn’t feasible I just can’t seem to shake the blues when I don’t finish first, or I don’t do as well as I thought. It always passes and I pick myself back up and move on to the next challenge (if you find that you can’t pick yourself back up please contact me, a friend, or family member and we can all work together to try and figure that out), but the initial sting of it just hits me like a bus. I start to think of the downfall of the rest of my life, as if I have entered some sort of parallel universe where getting a B on an assignment causes catastrophic failure in every other part of your life. And typing it out even I can see how ridiculous that sounds.
I guess this week’s motivation is less of a motivation and more of a vent. I always try to give you guys such great life advice and admit my faults to you, and that can come across as if I know everything or think I do. But I assure you, I don’t! This here is just a reminder to myself and I hope a bonding point between myself and my readers that we ARE ALL struggling out here in this wilderness we call the 21st century. Making every list on the planet, and trying to micromanage won’t always take away some of the insecurities we feel. Sometimes life is just hard, and no matter what your personality you try to find a way to cope in the best way you know how. I will visit the writing center, meet with my advisors and professors, practice scientific writing and getting critiqued any chance I get until I get it right. Even when you fail and it seems like the end 99.9% of the time it never is. It’s just a God given chance to get better.
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