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Advice from the Baeless

I wrote my Motivation Monday and decided to make it a series. This week is about Young Women and Relationships: Five Tips on How To Be A Success
   To wrap up:
  • Focus on yourself and your life before you add someone else to it
  • Build your own confidence and self-worth and learn to treat yourself with respect and others will follow
  • Find your passion in life and align with someone who understands and motivates you
  • Take it slow and become friends first/build trust before you become intimate or enter into a relationship
  • Always maintain high levels of trust in your relationships and communicate effectively if there are problems
    All the above tips if not followed, in my opinion, will add stress to your life and your relationship. I'm not saying the steps are easy, they are hard, but necessary. Find yourself. Respect yourself. Trust completely, and find someone that allows you to Be You.

    Lastly ladies, if you can't trust your man LET HIM GO. I know love is a crazy thing, but trust is a MUST in relationships. I'm not perfect, I've gotten caught up in the lurking and rumors and things myself, but it never did anything positive for me. A quote I love that says this best is, "If you go looking for trouble that's exactly what you'll find." Even if it's nothing you'll make it something because that's what you're looking for. If you are confident in yourself, your relationship, and your lines of communication are open you won't even feel the need to lurk. If you do feel the need to lurk you need to have a conversation with your significant other about your feelings and why you feel it's necessary to check up on him, and go from there. If he's not understanding, compensating, and willing to compromise in your relationship then you need to re-evaluate.

    I'm not saying to be naive. Not every guy is trustworthy, and if that's the case you need to re-think if you should have gotten with him in the first place. If you choose to be with someone though, you need to trust them. NEVER enter a relationship where you already feel the need to lurk on what he's doing, who he's with, where he's been, check his story, etc. You're asking for trouble, stress, and inevitable relationship failure. But if someone says, "Hey girl I heard such and such..." it is okay to do some follow-up. DO NOT TAKE IT TO SOCIAL MEDIA!!! Inviting other people into your relationship like that by spewing details all over social media to people you probably don't even know that well is immature and a terrible idea. Relationships are between TWO, SAY IT LOUD, TWO people. You take it straight to him and you talk about it calmly and rationally. If you trust him and what he says then you leave it. If you begin to hear things still then you can investigate a little more, but NEVER EVER accuse someone of something without proof. Without proof you really don't know. If you don't have proof, but still don't believe what he's saying you need to re-evaluate your relationship and see if it's the right one for you. 

    Also remember for those of you that have been hurt before that the person you're currently with is NOT THEM. Just because your last boyfriend cheated on you does not mean every man in the world is a cheater! You have to enter each relationship, as hard as this is, with a blank slate. It is not fair to him to have to carry the burden of another person's wrongs. You need to sit with yourself and learn to forgive that past person for what happened in your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to reconcile with them, see them, or even speak to them, but you need to come to terms with what happened, that it is not your fault and it's not your current boyfriend's fault either. Now if you out here actin a fool trying to fight girls, always checking up on him, reading through his texts, accusing him of stuff and starting fights, etc. then you probably pushed him away and need to become more secure before you enter another relationship.

    Fourth, build relationships don't jump into them. I see people who just met and claim they are with the love of their whole life and I wonder how exactly that's possible? When you first meet someone they are on their best behavior. You only see what they want you to see, so if you fall in love with that then you're not really in love with them, because that's not all of them. Once you get time under your belt the flaws start to come out and that's when you can evaluate if those are flaws you can live with. That's why it's so important to be friends and build a relationship outside of intimacy first. Establish open lines of communication, build trust, figure out their passions and what makes them tick, find out what their insecurities are, learn about their past and what makes them who they are.
   If you can get past these aspects of their personality then I'd say you're on the right track. Then comes your first fights. If you guys are able to talk out your issues and effectively communicate then you've really struck a gold mine! All of this takes time though! It's not easy finding someone you really connect with and is on the same wavelength as you. The key is to never settle! After a failed relationship it's easy to fall into the Loneliness Trap. The Loneliness Trap is the idea that you are going to be alone forever, because you will just never be able to find the right one. It happens to everyone, so it's nothing to be embarrassed about, but when you catch yourself here it's important to try your best to resist. In this stage you do things you wouldn't normally do and compromise things you would not normally comprise. Maybe you'll have sex with someone sooner than normal, because you think that's what will get you the guy, or you'll start entertaining a guy that has absolutely nothing going for him because you just want a companion? I'm not saying wait for the perfect guy because if you do you'll be waiting forever, because he doesn't exist. I'm saying keep your standards even when times get hard.
    I see this a lot in girls where they say, "I'm just going to be alone forever!" and start sacrificing qualities of the man they're looking for for the little boy they have right now. I've done it. It happens. You just have to remind yourself of your self-worth. It all really comes back to your own self-confidence. If you believe you are worthy of a great man and not some little boy and carry yourself that way you will begin to attract those type of men. But first you must tackle numbers 1-3. Once you have it may not happen right away or even weeks or months, but it will happen. You will find him. You just have to be patient. And once you do you take it slow. Really get to know them, flaws and all and if you're still willing to continue with the relationship and compromise then you've found love.
    Like I said earlier it's not easy. Life is not Cinderella and you aren't just going to magically have everything you want. You will have to have patience and work towards it. It is hard work and takes a lot of effort, as does every relationship, but that effort won't even seem like much compared to what you're getting out of that bond. So if you bounce because things got hard you're probably running from all your relationships, which is a whole different issue. You're just not ready, which is fine! If you're not ready then stay single. It's a hard spot because you don't want to be alone, but you're not quite ready for a real relationship. But don't be selfish. Don't occupy the time of someone who is ready, because you don't want to see them with someone else. Chalk that up to them not being the one, or it just not being the right time and let them go. The cliche is, "when you find the right person you'll know," and as stupid as this may sound to some it's true. Be patient. Take your time, and be open to it.
    Third, find your passion. Once you've come to terms with who you are inside and out sit with yourself and find what it is that really lights you up! Helping people gives me so much life. There is nothing in this world I would rather do than to help people. I was fortunate enough to have found my passion early on and began to take steps towards it, but it's never too late. If you find your passion and people don't agree with it: WHO CARES BRO!!! Do you and be confident in that. I mean, if you want to become the best bank robber in the world I wouldn't suggest that, but as long as it's legal and it's what you love then DO IT. Never let anyone tell you you can't be or do what you want, especially if you've never even tried.
    You don't have to have a concrete plan, or all the steps laid out perfectly, but have an idea of what you want out of life and a rough outline of how you plan to get there. Saying you want something isn't enough. To really be successful you must take proactive steps towards getting there, or it will always remain a dream. You'll find yourself old and grey saying, "When I was young I really wanted to be...," but never having achieved it. It may sound selfish that I keep saying to do things for yourself before adding someone else into your life in a serious way, but that's reality. Relationships take work and if you don't have yourself together before you try to embark on one it's really easy to get lost in it and put your dreams to the side, especially if you really love them. Take your youth to solidify you and become a force within and of yourself and then allow someone else to come in and continue to lift you further.
    I'm also not saying to turn your back on something promising. We never know what God has in store for us, so you never know when the right person will enter our lives. It's important to still keep your heart open while your eyes are on your future. If this person is really right for you they won't nag you and complain about the demands of your goals, but be an asset to your team. They will uplift you and inspire you to be better and greater, and will understand how important your goals are. They will be comfortable taking the passenger side while your career takes the wheel. This takes a lot of confidence and trust on their part, so I'm not saying it'll be easy to find, but you'll know it when you see it. They will also have their own goals, so it won't be as much pressure on you, because they should also be focused and working towards something. You should become a team that works together to build each other up. You should each be a sounding board for the other of ideas, a shoulder to cry on, and/or the hand that helps you up when you fail.
    To allow someone that close is a scary idea, because to allow them to be that involved in your life you have to let them in. Letting them in means becoming vulnerable and being capable of being hurt. Life is about risk though. No, not every person you think is the one is going to be the one, but it's the fact that you took that risk that means the most. Be selective in your choices, get to know them before committing, build trust, and don't be afraid. The strongest people are those that know the risks, but calculate the possible gains and decide to jump anyway. In life in general think of all the things we have (materialistically), every person that invented those things had to take a risk on themselves. They could have easily failed, but they didn't and look where they are now. Be smart. Be devoted. Take risks, and never be afraid to fail, in life or in love.
     Second, for all the females who objectify their bodies on social media, in public, sleep with numerous guys, do anything for attention, say/do promiscuous things, etc: That's not going to make you whole. It may feel like that attention is getting you something, but that high that you feel is temporary, like an addiction. You may have started off with something slight like saying something racy on social media and it began to progress as you saw the more extra you became the more attention you got.
    You say, "This is just me," "I'm just over the top," "I say and do whatever I want," etc., but what fuels this need for all eyes to be on you in such a vulgar way? You say, "I don't know why he thought he could talk to me that way," but have you seen your instagram page? Did you read your tweets? Respect doesn't just fall from the sky, you have to earn it. You have to be a person worth respecting, and it's all in how you choose to carry yourself. Don't take a pic in your bra and panties, or a close up of your face with your tits out with a caption about how good your make-up looks -_- and wonder why all he wanted was sex...
    That attention is not going to fill your void. None of those people know you for you, like you for you, or care at all who you really are as a person. You've become and object to them. You're an object everyone has access to, and if everyone has access to you what makes you think you'll ever be able to become that special person for anyone? Sit with yourself and figure out within yourself what makes you whole, without any outside interference. Be confident, but not boastful and cocky. Start to treat yourself with respect and I guarantee you'll see others following your lead.
    Today's Motivation Monday is catered to young women and relationships. I see so many young women out these days doing things for the attention of guys. Showing their bodies on social media, saying promiscuous things, being promiscuous; and I just shake my head and wonder why. It seems as though the goal of most young females is to get a guy, but they fail to realize without a few key things they'll never catch the right guy and if they do they'll never keep him. I choose to be single, one because I'm incredibly picky. It takes me a very long time to like someone and if I do it's for real. It's an "I accept you flaws and all, and just want to grow with you" type of thing. My issue is that I'm so focused on creating a concrete, stable life for myself I don't have time for the demands of a relationship. To be successful they take a lot of time and effort and I could only be with someone if they were willing to share me with my work. Not a well accepted practice, so I remain single. You may think, "Well people that say they choose to be single just aren't wanted by anyone," and you can choose to believe that if you want. You can take this post however you want. If you choose to not count it as credible because I'm single that's fine.
    The first and most important thing to understand before you enter a relationship is that no one will be able to love you until you fully and undoubtedly love yourself. I run into countless young women every day who suffer from low self-esteem. They end up looking for it in all the wrong places: social media, having numerous relationships with guys, etc. I spent a year of my life from 19-20 being single. I didn't entertain any guys seriously I just focused on me. I believe I was even off social media for most of that (at least 6 months). I went through some hard years when I was younger that left me scarred and I needed to figure out who Alexis was as a person. That was the most beneficial thing I've ever done for myself. To figure out who Alexis was and what I wanted out of my life with no outside noise to interfere made me so much stronger as a woman.  I was forced to be alone with myself and face my scars, fears, inadequacies, everything. I had to relearn to love me, and I did. Once you do that the world is yours.
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